Selling Cars To Old People In 1991 Was Miserable

"Jonee" (Jonee) 04/16/2015 at 13:26 • Filed to: 1991 Chevy Caprice, Geezers

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(Making fun of corny old videos from YouTube is all the rage these days. Here’s my attempt at mounting this satirical bull. It makes you watch the movie on YouTube I just discovered. But, it’s so worth it. It’s from the 90’s!)

This video is neither campy nor amusingly nostalgic. It’s just terrible. And boring. And depressing. It’s a 9 minute long sales pitch for the 1991 Chevy Caprice aimed at anyone older than Methuselah. It reeks of menthol and creepy ceramic figurines and death. Let’s watch and have some fun!

Much like their owners, by 1991, the pseudo-luxurious land barges of the 70’s and 80’s had become dinosaurs. The Ford Taurus had come along and now your Caprices and Electras and Cutlass Supremes were literally and figuratively square. It was time for something fresh. But, there’s no reason to reinvent the wheel here. Your middle management insurance guys, and owners of barely hanging on bathroom fixture factories still wanted to drive the same humongous floaty car they’ve been driving since Nixon was in office. They just wanted it to look new. Understanding this completely, GM stuck a whale carcass over the same thing they’d been building since the 70’s. Presenting the all new 1991 Chevrolet Caprice!

We’re introduced to the car by Robert Sterling shown here emerging from some convalescent home. Who the fuck is Robert Sterling? Nobody still living today knows, unfortunately, but he looks like a cross between The Skipper and Barbara Bush and reads the lines he’s still clutching in his hand with all the finesse of a kid reciting a bar mitzvah speech. He also has a slight replacement hip and/or knee limp which just makes me sad. Bob’s in no-tie casual mode today to put us olds at ease. This isn’t some slick salesman, this is our ol’ friend Bob Sterling. Was he on Bonanza? Not Lorne Greene, I know Lorne Greene, I mean the other guy. Anyway, Mr. Sterling’s ‘78 Fleetwood is getting a little long in the tooth (it’s one square mile of rust now) and it’s time for a new car, but he can’t afford a Cadillac any more on his pension which I’m sure shovels him more dough than I’ve ever made even if I don’t know who he is. He retired in the 80’s, right?

0:35 - “Holy mackerel!” he exclaims about the price of cars in the 90’s. I’m beginning to feel bad about making fun of him. He’s kind of charming. He’s worried he can’t get the kind of luxury he had back in the Malaise Era in an affordable car that’s the size and color of a battleship here in 1991. I sympathize. What were his choices then? A fucking Maxima? You expect him to buy Japanese after what they pulled? And don’t say Grand Marquis because Henry Ford liked Hitler, too, you know. Well, don’t worry, Chevy’s got us covered.

1:32 - “Let’s take a look at some of the goodies” *Sniiiifffff* “Ah, that new car smell.” Well, so much for charming. If you notice, Bob caresses that sweet smelling leather like he’s testing underwear he can’t remember if he peed in or not.

1:40 - Bob makes fun of us for being fat and struggles to use the tilt steering wheel. Which is probably exactly what someone who bought one of these would do. Bob is so Method. He then goes on to say that the power seat “turns you every way, but loose.” Saucy, Bob. But, bring it down a notch. You’re not on Match Game.

1:59 - Of course I golf! I’m 100 years old! The trunk can hold bags for a whole foursome? Now our wives can come! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha (I can’t believe they made old Bob heave that golf bag into the trunk. WTF, director who went on to make such classics as Huangzhou Plastic Injection Moulding Machine Assembly , and The VCR Video Mystery Game (segments “The Body is Discovered” and “Who Whacked Mr. Whacker?” only)?

2:23 - “The new Caprice comes in a stylish range of colors.” From black to white to silver! Jesus Christ, it looks like a funeral procession. Fuck me.

What’s this? Someone who was born after the Civil War is here. I wonder what happened to Bob. You don’t think he…? Oh, good. He died in !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Phew. RIP buddy! He wasn’t on Bonanza, either, so I still don’t know who the fuck he is.

This guy’s name is Brian Borg. I doubt resistance was futile. He basically spends the next 7 minutes telling you that this car is no different than the car you’re driving right now in the same tone you use when convincing your parents they’ll really like the nursing home. “That’s right, the back wheels make it go and the upholstery is Scotch Guarded in case of ‘accidents’ and you’ll be quite comfortable here look at the cushy seats. Nooooo, I just want to close the door so you’ll see what it’s like I’ll berighthere. Go! Go, Maureen! Don’t look back!”

The ‘91 Caprice was Motor Trend Domestic Car of the Year. What car wasn’t MT Car of the Year? You can’t answer that question, can you? I mean, this car was like almost 20 years old and they’re giving it an award. Their standards were lower than the AVN’s.

You know what else was depressing in 1991? The state of R&B. How did we go from Marvin Gaye and Curtis Mayfield to this?

This was a hit in 1991. It’s godawful. What is this song? It sounds like something composed by a cruise ship band. While they’re still suffering from Legionnaire’s Disease. And this is the only version of this video on Youtube. A onetime top 10 song and all you can find now is a badly digitized VHS dub subtitled in Spanish. That’s how fondly it’s remembered.

The music in this Caprice thing is wonderfully cheesy early 90’s synth stuff. It starts out pretty ominous and somber around the 6:00 mark for reasons I can’t understand. It sounds like someone just died on Babylon 5. Then, at 7:17 when— is that the Borg guy, or some other white robot? I don’t care, really, but when he almost creams an S-10 Jimmy to demonstrate the ABS system, the soundtrack is like someone is entering Ginger Lynn. Which was probably something this actor had to do in a subsequent role.

Man, a metric shit-ton of gray paint went into making this fine automobile. Every inch of it is Morgue Grey. Is one of those for pills?

Caprice! The last car you’ll ever own!

Boxer_4 > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 13:40

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Great riff! This video is almost as bad as the sales training video for the Celebrity:

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 13:43

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2:23 - "The new Caprice comes in a stylish range of colors." From black to white to silver! Jesus Christ, it looks like a funeral procession. Fuck me.

By the time I got here I had to stop I was laughing so hard. Excellent job.

Jonee > Boxer_4 04/16/2015 at 13:44

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Ha. This is great. More golf bags, of course. And the high waists on those pants make it.

Jagvar > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 14:28

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That was wonderful. You have a gift for satire!

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 14:29

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Improperly adjusted headrest that practically guarantees whiplash when he gets rear-ended.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 14:30

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A high trunk liftover is one of the things that was a dealbreaker when looking for a car for my mom.

Jonee > Jagvar 04/16/2015 at 14:32

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Oh thank you- you're too kind.

Jonee > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 04/16/2015 at 14:34

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I can imagine. It's one of the reasons they invented the hatchback.

E. Julius > Jonee 04/16/2015 at 16:19

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"But what am I going to do? I've grown accustomed to luxury."

E. Julius > Boxer_4 04/16/2015 at 16:20

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What does the "B" in JB stand for? Boobs? This video is absolutely absurd.

E. Julius > Boxer_4 04/16/2015 at 16:28

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This is like some insane bizzaro world

ranwhenparked > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 04/16/2015 at 20:05

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The B-bodies had that in spades, I considered it a reasonable trade-off for having the fuel filler concealed behind the license plate, but it is a definite hindrance for some.

Jobjoris > Jonee 04/17/2015 at 03:50

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Understanding this completely, GM stuck a whale carcass over the same thing they'd been building since the 70's. Presenting the all new 1991 Chevrolet Caprice!

I knew this one was going to be good when I read this...

Made my day already Herr Eisen, thanks! That pills-holder, now my coffee is all over the keyboard.

Jonee > Jobjoris 04/17/2015 at 23:13

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Haha. Glad you were amused.

TwoToneLoser > Jonee 04/22/2015 at 21:28

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The cheesy 90’s synth used to make the music was actually a (by then) geriatric 1984 Emulator II sampler which was designed by the same folks that made the caprice interior, apparently. The jokes work on so many levels.

dannyzabolotny > Jonee 05/03/2015 at 03:55

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I bet they never pictured the Caprice turning into the de facto car for huge rims...